People say that London is an intolerant city. Sure it is. On public transport, people would shiv you for a seat. On a bike? Well I hope you can pedal like the devil is after you because see that bus driver there? He is having a bad day. Tourists clogging up your favourite, once cute and quiet market with their giant, penis envy SLRs. Elbow them with no mercy.
But no-one mentions the real villains, people that annoy you in the gym. More specifically, in the pool.
I’ve broken them down into a list of possible targets.
1. The aggressive male swimmer. You’ll notice him by the way he powers up and down, arms flailing, dolphin turning at the bottom. Oh, has he splashed a tidal wave in your face? Outta the way then, slowpoke. He’s in training! These men are all the same, thundering up and down for about five minutes, red in the face, chests puffing out. But it’s all splash and no stamina. Fellas, why not just measure your cocks by the side of the pool and be done with it?
2. Couples that swim together. And discuss swimming techniques by the side of the pool before getting in. You people disgust me. You should be at home having wild, adventurous sex not taking ten minutes to adjust your goggles and chatting after every length. Then we must face the ordeal of you snuggling in the spa pool. Die, horribly, please.
3. The overly hairly. They look normal in everyday clothes, maybe an errant wisp of hair peeking over a collar. But then in the pool, someone alert the National Enquirer, they were right about Bigfoot this whole time!
4. Larger than life people who swim right down the middle of the lane. They force you up against the side, you must do a strange doggy paddle speed stroke as you manoeuvre to avoid them. But they don’t break their stride. Lady, you might be the size of the QE2, but this ain’t no shipping lane.
5. Too small swimsuit wearers. Dear God, can I see the outline of peen? If you have to breathe in to get it on, it’s too small!
This post may seem a little mean spirited, but it is all in jest, I promise. Until you get in my way, of course.